CG's Slayers Fairytale Theater: Puss in Boots
by Rocky and CG
Summary: My friend CG's fairytale where Zel gets completely naked. Z/A


An A/Z Slayers Fairy Tale in Which Zel Gets Completely Naked  
  
(This was written during the whole Presidential Election 2000 fiasco/party)  
  
C.G: I got a fairy tale book at the bookstore the other day for 75% off. There are tons of cool and cute stories in here that I could do. But I have to do this one first. It's A/Z if you haven't guessed. And there's nudity in it! Xellos? Xellos? It's a well-known fairy tale with nudity. It's too bad Xellos isn't around, he usually likes this nudity stuff. Wonder what he's up too. Oh well, I guess I just have to this one by myself. I bet you all-know what this one is and the fact that I don't own anything so…   
  
Xellos: Grrr… Dani! How dare you!   
  
Xellos warps into the room wearing Mickey Mouse ears.   
  
Xellos: I knew it!   
  
C.G: Knew what?  
  
Xellos: You're trying to replace me! Unforgivable!   
  
C.G.: And why would I do that?  
  
Xellos: Because I refuse to be in them.   
  
C.G.: I asked for you to be in one.   
  
Xellos: So you could replace me!  
  
C.G.: Whom would I replace you with?  
  
Xellos: If you knew, you would have replaced me already.  
  
C.G.: Xellos…  
  
Xellos: No! I don't accept your apology. You have to beg me for forgiveness.   
  
C.G.: No.  
  
Xellos: You… You have to actually write a serious dark fic where there is nothing but misery and pain and crying and sadness and death and…   
  
C.G.: What's up with the Mickey Mouse ears?  
  
Xellos: …and blood and… Huh? Oh this thing! … ::giggle:: Lord Zellas and I were vacationing in Florida on and off for a month. Lord Zellas thinks this looks cute on me. But soon she'll get sick of it and let me take off.   
  
C.G.: How was it?  
  
Xellos: It was fun. We were getting so fat down there we had to visit Disney World to balance things a little. I love politics!   
  
C.G: You went to Disney World?  
  
Xellos: Yep. It's as scary as it sounds. That "Small World" Ride nearly drained all my power. The gods must never know of such a power. Lord Zellas was nice and gave me a horsie ride until I got better. The people gave her funny looks every time she told them I was her son… ::giggle::   
  
C.G.: That's all that happened down there? Rallies and Disney?   
  
Xellos: I did get arrested for destroying "No Smoking" signs. Making Master smoke outside, what were they thinking?   
  
C.G: So you had fun?   
  
Xellos: Yep. I'm sad it had to end so soon.   
  
C.G.: Can we get on with this story?  
  
Xellos: Sure, but I truly doubt this is hentai.  
  
C.G.: It's not.   
  
Xellos: Just a naked Zel. ::giggle::   
  
C.G: Once upon a time there was a priest named…  
  
Xellos: If I might add, everyone's favorite priest…  
  
C.G.: …Rezo.  
  
Xellos: Damn!  
  
C.G.: When he died he left his whole estate to his two benefactors. Eris got the mansion, the money, and all the property Rezo owned. Zelgadis got his laboratory, his priceless collection of wine and… a giant chicken.  
  
Zel: I don't see this as being fair.   
  
Eris: It's fair! You deserved nothing! You don't even deserve to be in the same bloodline as him!   
  
Zel: I wish I wasn't either.   
  
Eris: He was so generous to you.   
  
Zel: He was generous giving me this body?  
  
Eris: You should be grateful he left you anything, you ungrateful idiot!   
  
Zel: Well, excuse me. But I didn't want to get on my knees and serve him like you did.  
  
Xellos: DOUBLE MEANING!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Eris: Tell you what. I'll help you out.  
  
Zel: What?   
  
Eris: I want Rezo's lab and you out of my sight. I'm willingly to give you a fair amount of money to buy the lab from you.   
  
Zel: What are you up to?  
  
Eris: Nothing. Come on Zelgadis, without money you wouldn't be able to stay in the lab very long. After the wine and the giant chicken are gone, you'll be starving. Just take the money and go elsewhere. Away from me. Take your stuff with you.   
  
Xellos: At least they're better than those divorced couples you heard about on the news.   
  
C.G.: So Zelgadis travels to find his cure.  
  
Zel: Why must my life suck so much? And why did Rezo give me a stupid chicken?  
  
"I am not a stupid chi-chi-chicken! I am Tiiba!"  
  
Zel: What the hell?  
  
Tiiba: I'm a powerful Mazoku!  
  
Zel: You're a big chicken.  
  
Tiiba: I am not a chicken! Your grandfather did this to me.  
  
Zel: I'm not surprised.  
  
Tiiba: I can help you with your problems. You see, the only way my curse can be broken is marrying you off. And that's what I plan to do.  
  
Zel: Marry me off?  
  
Tiiba: He really wants the best for you. Leave everything to me.  
  
Zel: This is stupid.   
  
Tiiba: Well I don't want to be a chicken for eternity! Give me one bottle of wine. A really expensive one.   
  
Zel: What are you up to?  
  
Tiiba: Don't ask, just do it! The only thing you have to do is listen to my instructions.   
  
Zel: Now what?  
  
Tiiba: Stay here.   
  
C.G.: Tiiba took off. He then dressed himself very gallantly and headed towards the castle.  
  
Tiiba: Saillune, huh? Perfect!  
  
C.G.: Tiiba asked if he could see the king.   
  
Xellos: They let him because who would say no to a giant chicken.  
  
Tiiba: I'm here to bring you a present, a bottle of expensive wine, from my noble Lord Zelgadis of Graywords.   
  
Phil: Wow! This is some rare wine! Tell your master that I thank him.   
  
Tiiba: He'll be glad you like it.   
  
C.G.: Tiiba went to the castle many times during three months and brought the king even more expensive wines.  
  
Xellos: Getting the king drunk, I see. ::giggle::   
  
Tiiba: The king really likes favors you for all that wine, and he never even met you. ::laughs::  
  
Zel: What's the point in all this?  
  
Tiiba: He wants to met you and see your wonderful castle.   
  
Zel: WHAT???   
  
Tiiba: He'll be coming down this road, I told him to bring his daughter along. Tee hee.  
  
Zel: ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED? I don't have a castle! I'm not a lord or anything!   
  
Tiiba: I told you, don't worry.   
  
Zel: So…?  
  
Tiiba: Phase 2.   
  
Zel: What's that?  
  
Tiiba: See that river over there?  
  
Zel: Yes.   
  
Tiiba: Take your clothes off and get in.   
  
Zel: WHAT?????? ::sweatdrop::  
  
Tiiba: DO IT!!!!   
  
Zel: No!   
  
Tiiba: GET IN THERE OR I'LL PECK YOUR EYES OUT!!!!!!!  
  
Xellos: DO IT OR I'LL GET YOUR RABID FANGIRLS TO DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!  
  
Zel: ::sweatdrop:: Your plan better work.   
  
Tiiba: Of course it will. I'll make sure you're happy for the rest of your life.   
  
C.G.: Zelgadis gets behind a bush while Tiiba watches the road.   
  
Tiiba: Give me your clothes.  
  
Zel: What?  
  
Tiiba: I'll hold them for you until later. And I might need your money.  
  
Zel: ::sigh:: Why me?   
  
Xellos: Because you're so hot!   
  
Tiiba: Get in and swim to the middle.   
  
Zel: But…  
  
Tiiba: IN!   
  
Splash  
  
Zel: It's cold in here! ::shivers::  
  
Xellos: Major shrinkage!!!!   
  
C.G.: Quiet you! So they wait until they spot the king's carriage coming.  
  
Tiiba: Now, play along. Splash around a little.   
  
Zel: Cold… Freezing…  
  
C.G.: Tiiba runs to the carriage the yells…  
  
Tiiba: HELP!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!! THIEVES!!!  
  
C.G: The carriage stops abruptly and the king jumps out.  
  
Phil: What's going on?  
  
Tiiba: My poor master was waiting your arrival when thieves came out of nowhere and stolen everything he own and threw him in the cold river. He can't swim.   
  
Zel: Cold… Help…   
  
Amelia: Hurry! He must have been in there for a while. He might get hypothermia!  
  
Xellos: Oh my! His balls must be bluer than a smurf's!  
  
WHACK  
  
C.G.: So Phil's guards pull the freezing and completely naked Zelgadis out of the water. Amelia searches through the carriage.   
  
Amelia: Daddy…  
  
Phil: Yes?  
  
Amelia: I don't think Lord Zelgadis can fit in your clothes.   
  
Phil: There has to be something.   
  
Amelia: Wait. I think this will.   
  
C.G.: At first, Amelia was concerned about Zel's creepy appearance. But after he put on that puffy "prince" outfit, she thought he looked sort of cute.  
  
Zel: ::sweatdrop:: Please shoot me.   
  
Amelia: Are you ok, Mr. Lord Zelgadis of Graywords sir?  
  
Zel: Yea, I'm fine.   
  
Amelia: I'm so sorry to hear about you being robbed, Mr. Lord Zelgadis of Graywords sir.  
  
Zel: Don't worry.  
  
Amelia: If we got here sooner, we would have shown them the wrath of justice!   
  
Zel: Thanks.   
  
Phil: Come on with us to your castle.   
  
Zel: Sure. *That stupid chicken better know what he's doing.*  
  
Xellos: And just where did that stupid chicken go?  
  
C.G.: Good question. He walked ahead of them for phase 3.  
  
Tiiba: This is going great. Hope that moron does not screw things up.   
  
C.G.: He stopped when he saw countrymen in a meadow.   
  
Tiiba: Listen to me! If you do not tell the king that this meadow belongs to my Lord Zelgadis of Graywords, I will destroy all of you!  
  
Countrymen: ::laughs:: A giant talking chicken defeat us?  
  
Tiiba: SILENCE!!!!!!! Uh… I have a large family and we'll destroy everything you own!  
  
C.G.: Finally, Tiiba got them to listen. Tiiba went on his way. Soon after, the carriage passed by. Phil was a little suspicious of Zelgadis and gets out of the carriage and approaches the people.   
  
Phil: HI!!!!!  
  
Countrymen: ::cries:: Don't hurt us!  
  
Phil: whose meadow is this?   
  
Countrymen: ::whispers to eachother:: The chicken is testing us. ::get on the ground::  
  
Phil: Well?  
  
Countrymen: It's our Lord Zelgadis of Graywords' meadow.  
  
Phil: ::returns to the carriage:: This is a lovely meadow you own, Lord Zelgadis.   
  
Zel: ::sweatdrop:: Why thank you.   
  
C.G.: Tiiba continued further and continued the same threats for the other field workers he met. But that wasn't enough.  
  
Tiiba: I got the wealthy part of it out of the way. That princess likes justice and stuff. Phase 4.  
  
C.G.: The walked up the road until he met two travelers.   
  
Tiiba: They'll be perfect. Hey!   
  
Gourry: Lina, look! A giant chicken!  
  
Lina: Guess we just found dinner.   
  
Tiiba: DINNER?!?! WAIT!!!! I have a business proposition. I need you two to stall for a little.   
  
Lina: How much?   
  
Tiiba: Huh?… ::looks in Zel's purse:: 30 gold pieces.   
  
Lina: It's a deal!   
  
C.G.: So Tiiba marched ahead as Lina and Gourry waited on the road for the carriage to come.   
  
Amelia: That's so sad! Your own grandfather cursed you?   
  
Zel: Yeah…  
  
Amelia: That is so unjust, cursing a little boy like that.   
  
Zel: Now I'm a freak…   
  
Amelia: Don't talk like that, you're not a freak!   
  
C.G.: The carriage suddenly stops.   
  
Phil: HEY!!!!   
  
Lina and Gourry: ::cries:: Don't hurt us!  
  
Phil: Why are you two in the middle of the road? We must pass.  
  
Lina: Oh good king, we only wanted to see the great Hero of Justice, Lord Zelgadis of Graywords.   
  
Amelia: Hero of Justice?  
  
Gourry: Yes, the great hero Zamboni…  
  
Lina: Zelgadis, you idiot…   
  
Gourry: …is very famous for defeating the powerful and evil Zanaffar.   
  
Amelia: ::eyes brighten:: I didn't know you were a hero.   
  
Zel: I don't like to brag. ::nervous laughter::   
  
Lina: And…  
  
Amelia: There's more?  
  
Lina: Yep. And…  
  
C.G.: While they praised the greatness of Lord Zelgadis, the justice hero, Tiiba reached a stately castle.   
  
Tiiba: This place is perfect! I just need to take it over. Phase 5.   
  
C.G.: The castle's owner was an really big ogre.  
  
Xellos: The leader of the Fighting Dragon's Blood Macho Men will play the part of the ogre.   
  
C.G.: The ogre was the wealthiest in all the land. All the land that the king thought was Zelgadis' was actually the ogre's.   
  
Tiiba: This place will do very nicely.   
  
C.G.: So Tiiba asked to speak with the ogre saying he could not pass such a beautiful castle without paying his respects. The ogre invited "Monsieur Chicken" to eat with him.   
  
Tiiba: I heard you have a gift of being able to turn into all sorts of creatures. Can you?  
  
Ogre: Of course I can. I will change into a lion!   
  
C.G.: Tiiba backed up at the sight of the lion.  
  
Tiiba: ::sweatdrop:: I believe you! But I am not really impressed.   
  
Ogre: Oh?  
  
Tiiba: Anyone can turn into big animals, but how about small ones? A mouse maybe?   
  
Ogre: I can do that too!   
  
Tiiba watches as the little mouse scampers around the  
floor.   
  
Tiiba: ::yawn:: This is also nothing new. I also heard you can change into anything.  
  
Ogre: I can.   
  
Tiiba: How about something completely trippy?  
  
Ogre: Like what?  
  
Tiiba: An ear of corn. Then I would be completely impressed.   
  
Ogre: Easy!  
  
C.G.: Two seconds later, Tiiba eats him.   
  
Tiiba: Delicious! Now I have to get everything ready.   
  
C.G.: Meanwhile…  
  
Lina: Lord Zelgadis defeated countless bandit gangs…  
  
Gourry: He battled several monsters to save orphanages…  
  
Xellos: Lord Zelgadis brought balance to "the force"…  
  
Lina: Lord Zelgadis delivered loads of food to kingdoms suffering from drought…  
  
Gourry: He even saved a whole family from a fire…  
  
Xellos: Lord Zelgadis is related to Mother Theresa!   
  
Gourry: …Including newborn kittens!  
  
Zel: ::thinking:: I think they're overdoing it a little. ::sweatdrop::   
  
Lina: He overthrown many evil tyrannies...  
  
Xellos: Lord Zelgadis can turn water into beer…  
  
C.G.: That's enough out of you!   
  
Xellos: Aren't you proud of me?   
  
C.G.: For what?  
  
Xellos: I didn't once mention sword size.   
  
C.G.: ::groan::   
  
Amelia: ::tearing up:: Oh Mr. Lord Zelgadis of Graywords sir, I never knew how devoted to justice you were…  
  
Zel: It's nothing…  
  
Phil: ::sniff:: It's great to find more people dedicated to justice as we are. Come here…  
  
C.G.: A horrifying scream from inside the carriage can be heard with a one-mile radius.   
  
Lina: Let's go eat, Gourry.   
  
Gourry: Ok.   
  
Lina: This has to be the easiest job we ever had.   
  
C.G.: Back inside the carriage…  
  
Amelia: Daddy, it looks Mr. Lord Zelgadis suffered a heart attack.   
  
Phil: No, he just a little overwhelmed he found more justice-lovers…  
  
Zel: A little overwhelmed…? o_O;;; Maybe I should walk besides the carriage. I need air. I can't breathe in here…   
  
Phil: You can wait. We're almost to your castle.   
  
Zel: Huh?  
  
Phil: I see it.   
  
Zel: ::thinking:: I'm doomed.   
  
Amelia: Isn't that your giant chicken up ahead?   
  
Tiiba: Welcome home, Lord Zelgadis!   
  
C.G.: Zelgadis falls out of the carriage.   
  
Amelia: Wow! This is a really nice castle you got here!  
  
Tiiba: It sure is!  
  
C.G.: Zel passes out.  
  
Tiiba: Dork!  
  
C.G.: The rest of the day went by smoothly. Zelgadis and the princess dated several months until they decided they would be really happy together and should get married.   
  
Xellos: Why does it have to be several months???   
  
C.G: And they lived happily ever after.  
  
Xellos: Why can't you do a tragic one? Stop doing lame ones like "Pussy in Boots." False advertising!  
  
C.G.: Shut up, Mickey Metallium! The next one is a crossover.   
  
Xellos: ::poor excuse for a Mickey impersonation:: Until next time, kids! ::laughs:: 


End file.
